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August 15th, 2005

01:13 am - it's been awhile
I got back from my vacation today... and part of me still wishes I was there, but idk, its good to be back i guess? I'll start from the beginning... I went up north with my family the Friday before the 4th of July... My parents and bro stayed with me, my aunt and my g-ma for a week, then they left. I stayed with my aunt and g-ma for about a month. It was nice because I had more freedom and could do what I wanted. I helped my aunt do housework and got paid 100 dollars, which was nice. I had to work on my AP bio work, which was torture. I had to do a few chapters of vocab, book work, and packets... and I still have a couple chapters left.. and I still have a whole book 2 read for AP lit.. shit what did i get myself into? So after my parents came back up, we went to the beach, a ranch, horse back riding, Macinac Island, and para-sailing 600 feet in the air, lol. It's the most fun I've had in a long time... and I was really sad to leave. It's so beautiful and peaceful up there. It's nice to be back in my house, but I felt at home up north. Maybe I'll move there when I'm older, who knows.. I sent my ACT results to a college in Traverse City, which is up north. And i got an email saying they were interested in my ACT results, and said that they offered the classes that I was interested in... I'm gonna try to get into U of M Dearborn first tho. While my parents were gone I spent alot of nights thinking about stuff, and I got some pretty strange flash backs from when I was a kid. It was cool 2 remember stuff that I hadn't thought about in years.. A few nights I drank some stuff and kinda opened up 2 my aunt, cuz she's basically the only person in my family that I can somewhat relate to and talk to... no1 else takes me seriously. It's hard for me to talk to people unless I'm a lil buzzed because I'm afraid to say what I really wanna say. But when I drink, I don't care. It's basically a way to get things off my chest, because I can't do it in everyday life. I don't remember alot of what I said, but I remember talking about my grandpa and saying I missed him, and I think she started crying, and I felt bad... Idk, whenever I drink I get pretty emotional... Sometimes I cry, other times I can't stop laughing my ass off. Idk, I need 2 get my shit 2gether. Sometimes I just feel like I'm trapped inbetween being the person I need to be, and being the person people think I am. All I know is that over the years I formed a hard shell to keep my feelings inside, and people outside. I can't even pin point when it happened, but I'm pretty sure it's around the time my grandpa died. It's really weird, because at the time it happend, I dealt with it for a month or 2, and tried to push it outta my mind. I guess I never really got over it, so I keep dealing with it now. It's really hard sometimes... Like every1 else on this planet I just wish I could go back in time for just 5 minutes and say everyting that I never got the chance to say or do. Idk, maybe I'll get the chance in my dreams someday.
Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
Current Music: Perfect Girl-Sara McLachlin

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June 6th, 2005

08:37 pm - Almost Over
Ok, the school year is almost over... but this is prolly the most stressed out I've been in awhile... I have almost no idea what we're doing in Chem, and theres a test in 2 days... Then I gotta do that whole review by Thursday, get my math review someday this week and do that, study for my ACT for Saturday, read 1984 for Jackson's class. Wednesday I gotta go 2 a meeting after school for A.P. Lit, and last weekd I went for A.P. Bio and got like 6 packets to do over summer... On top of that, I still haven't found a job, so I barely have money anymore... So yeah, I'm pissed.
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: Smile Like You Meant It-The Killers

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May 23rd, 2005

09:33 pm - Weekend
Saturday morning, I was fighting with my mom, as usual. I was drying my hair, when Kevin called, and my mom was like, I'll have her call u back. When I found that out, I got pissed cuz I figured it would b impposible to get ahold of him, but I called him on Shane's cell and talked to him. I picked him up like 25 min later, and we went and saw Million Dollar Baby. It was a really good movie, and it was so sad.

After that, we went to Olga's and ate... like old times I guess you could say. Thing's were really different, but I was glad I could atleast talk to him or think about him w/o feeling like complete shit.

After that, we went and met Steve, Sara, Jenny and Arno at the Relay for Life in Taylor. We listened to some 45 year old lady sing Gwen Stefani songs, and butcher them. Arno started throwing around Kermit, and this golden retriever picked up him and started running around with him, it was so funny. We went to the park for awhile, then Jenny had 2 be home, so Steve took Jenny and Arno home, and I took Kevin home... I was surprised that he spent over 5 hours w/ me.

After that, I drove Sara and Steve around, and we took advantage of the fact that Sara is now 18... even tho her ID didn't get checked 4 anything... She then ditched us 4 John, so me and Steve went 2 his house...

His dad wasn't home, so I told him 2 get his dad's Captain Morghan, and do some shots. I did about 2 big shots, when all of a sudden Steve freaks out and goes "OMG MY DAD IS HOME" so he hurried up and put the lid on and ran upstairs, and I rinsed out the glass. That stuff tasted like complete trash by the way...

After that, we just walked around and stuff til like 10:30... It was a pretty nice day, and I was so tired from bein outside and walkin around all day.
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: We Belong Together-Mariah Carey

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May 20th, 2005

11:01 pm - Confused
This week hasn't been very good... it went by really slow, and I was dead tired all week. I took a nap almost everyday after school.

Last night, I was talkin to Sara and Steve online, and Sara started askin me questions about Kevin, like if I still wanna b his friend and stuff... and I was like, not really. Apparently, he called her to ask 4 advice about me cuz he said he misses me, but he's like afraid 2 talk 2 me. Steve told Sara 2 read my previous entry 2 him, so she did... She told him 2 call me early cuz I can't get calls 2 late, so he called me at like a quarter 2 ten, and told me 2 call his house at 10:15. So I called his house, no answer. Called back 2 more times, and finally at 10:45 I just decided to 2 go bed cuz I was tired anyway.

I didn't see him at school until 6th hour cuz that's the only class he goes to... For the last 20 min of class ppl were just talkin and chillin, and he was w/ some other ppl, so I waited out in the hall 4 the bell 2 ring. Like 1 min b4 it did, he came out, and acted like I wasn't there, so I walked away. I was pretty pissed off..

Surprisingly, he called me at like 10 or something 2night, and started talkin 2 me. He said that my other entry made him cry... and I didn't really know what 2 say 2 that. It's weird talkin 2 him now cuz we're basically strangers. He said he wants to see me, so we can talk in person, so 2morrow he told me 2 call him... I told him if he ditches me I'm gonna b really pissed, and he was like, Oh, I wouldn't do that. And I was like, well ya have b4, and hes like yeah... All I know is that if he ditches me, I really won't give him anymore chances, cuz that's ridiculous.

I guess I'm somewhat happy... but at the same time, I'm really doubtful, because I expect my friends to be there 4 me, and treat me with respect and not ditch me. And I'm not sure if Kevin is really capable of that anymore... It will take a long time 4 me 2 trust him again, and idk if he'll be able to earn it w/o screwing me over, whether it be intentional or not. O well, I'm just gonna try 2 not worry about it and see what happens I guess...
Current Mood: nervousnervous
Current Music: Burn-Usher

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May 13th, 2005

06:53 pm - T.G.I.F.!
Last weekend was fun... on Friday I hung out with Dave, Rickie, and Sara. We went to Circuit City so Rickie could buy another PSP cuz his first one had shit under the screen... he went through about 4 or 5 cuz he wanted a perfect one, so we stood there for about 25 min, annoyin the shit outta the workers, lol. It was so embarassing. Then after Steve got off work, we walked around and went to a park. Wayyy back in July or something we put these 95.5 stickers on some swings at the park, and I found one of them still on a swing. It was so weird.

That night I felt a sore throat coming on.. Saturday night we hung out until 11 or something, and I had to come home and clean my hamster's cage, wrap mother's day presents, and fill out some cards for my mom and g-ma. I was so tired and felt really sick. Sunday was nice cuz my aunt came over and we all went out 2 eat and stuff. I told my parents I didn't wanna go 2 school on monday cuz I felt like shit, so she said she'd ask me monday morning how I felt, and if I felt bad I didn't hafta go. So ya... I ended up not going that day. I was gonna go back Tuesday but when I woke up, my whole body was sore, and I had a huge migraine, so I stayed home that day 2. I was so lucky because I hardly missed any work. The only thing I had to make up was some math lessons, and mr F said that he doesn't really care when I turn them in, so I'll work on them this weekend cuz I have no other homework.

We have severe thunderstorm warnings or something until 11. That is so sweet, cuz I love rain, and especially storms. It's so relaxing to me. Alot of ppl hate cloudy rainy days cuz they say they feel down or something, but I really like them alot. It makes me feel comfortable. At like a quarter after 3 today it was sunny, then got dark and started pouring so hard. That lasted for like 5 minutes then got all sunny again. It was strange...

I almost forgot it's Friday the 13th! No one at school mentioned it or anything, but on channel 27 or something they have the Friday the 13th movies on like all day... I've never been real interested in horny teenagers fucking each other, and then getting slaughtered by a dude in a hockey mask... cuz I'm usually rootin 4 Jason 2 kill there stupid asses. O well, that's just me!
Current Mood: mellowmellow
Current Music: Say Anything-Good Charlotte

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May 5th, 2005

08:33 pm - U again...
For those of you who say I'm too much of a downer, I gotta bad attitude, and that I care to much about certain things, get the hell outta here cuz this entry I'm gonna say shit you don't wanna hear. So either deal with it, or go away.

Um... last night was the Spring Concert for band. I was really dreading it cuz I hate being there for 3+ hours, and I don't like the stress of playing in the concert. Anyway... I was practicin with Marissa for this part we had to play, and all of a sudden I see Kevin walk in the room... I thought, wtf, but I couldn't stop what I was doin cuz we needed to practice. I saw some kids who barely knew him run up and talk to a kid that hasn't shown his face to this school in months. Maybe I do hold grudges, and shit like that, but it's hard to forgive ppl that let you down time after time again. You can only let yourself get hurt so many times. I know certain ppl will always be Kevins devoted friend, some may say that's good, but I think it's pretty stupid. But w/e thats there lives. I just know I can't let myself get hooked into his life and bullshit again cuz it's happened way too many times already.

So as I was sitting on the stage while the choir was singing some depressing song, I looked far away to the bleachers and saw the friend that I had grown so far away from. He was sitting all by himself staring out at all the ppl he left behind... it was really sad... There have been so many times where I just wished I could forget about him... let all the memories fade away, throw away all the old notes and pictures, cards... so much shit that is my past. I have been filled with so much anger and spite and just wished that he would die. It's not that I really wanted him dead... but in my mind, it's easier to let someone go that is dead, then a person who is alive, and just slipping through your fingers. Alteast when someone passes away you know they're in a better place, but Kevin is somewhere in a fucked up world where he had the chance of becoming something great. Out of anyone in his family he had the opportunity to make something of himself, but he threw it all away. It really pisses me off that he could be so stupid, and he could let ppl change him.

Ya I know I sound like a cry baby whiner, but this shit really bothers me. This is the first time in my life that I lost some1 that I thought I knew so well... Durin the summer we used to talk on the phone for seriously 5 or 6 hours almost everynight... He was my best friend, my first kiss, and so much more. And that has all been ripped away, and it makes me so sad. Up until last night I thought that my wounds were beginning to heal and I was moving on with my life, but seeing him again just ripped all the scars open. It's hard enough to try to forget about some1 when there are hundreds of things that remind you of them...

Certain songs are what bother me most.. Today I listend to this song that I loved when me and Kevin were going out way back in 8th grade. It was by the Backstreet Boys, but it wasn't completely gay because it wasn't one of their popular songs that sounds like a bunch of girls... This song is actually pretty and stuff... I remember when we broke up I cried to that song for like a whole night... now I cry to it thinking of everything that has been erased outta my life. I only wish I could go back to crying over a breakup, knowing he would still be my friend.

I know whoever is reading this (if any1 even does) is prolly thinking... wtf, get over it. And you know what... if I was someone else reading this shit that some1 wrote, I would prolly be thinking the same exact thing... but you honestly woulnd't know what it feels like it unless it happened to you. And you better hope that it doesn't, cuz if it's some1 you really care about, it breaks your heart. Not just once, but a lil each day...
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: How Did I Fall In Love With You?-Backstreet Boys

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April 28th, 2005

04:50 pm - Hmmm....
Yesterday we went to an assembly for a lil motivational speaking. Some people thought it was stupid, but I liked it cuz he was different then the other people that talk to us. "Drugs are bad, sex is bad, bla bla" All of the stuff he said was so true, like how when we were lil kids we were so happy to be ourselves and we didn't care what other people thought. We turned into people that care more about what other peope think, intead of how we really feel about ourselves. I thought it was interesting how he brought up that if something good happens to some1 you care about, you should be happy for them... and if you aren't, then something is missing... I'm sure there's alot of ppl that either get jealous, sad, or pissed off when good things happen to other people. I know I do...

I'm glad I'm not in middle school anymore, cuz that sucked even more than high school cuz people were more mean and judgemental then they are now... Nowadays if you don't mess with ppl, they usually don't start shit with you. It's 2 bad it took so long 4 ppl 2 get like that tho, and not care about what ppl think as much. Just think... in a lil over a year, we're all gonna be on our own, and the ppl we've been surrounded by ever since we were in pre-school won't be there anymore. It's gonna be both good and bad I think. I'll be glad to get rid of some ppl, but I'm gonna miss other ppl. Like all my old "best friends" from when I was younger that I don't even talk to or see. Or even the ppl I never talked to that could have maybe become friends with... you never know.

I wish there was a way to turn back time, along with every1 else in the fricken world. It would be so funny to be a child for one day, knowing the shit that I know now. I took alot of shit 4 granted back then, like family, friends, etc... I didn't know how lucky I was, like most lil kids. I guess that's a part of growing up, but I just wish I had a chance to be that lil happy care-free kid I used to be, cuz those were the best years of my life thus far. Most ppl say that highschool is the best time of their life, but I don't really feel that way.

Fashions ugliness
Your wise quote is: "Fashion is a form of
ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
it every six months" by Oscar Wilde.
You are a very sarcastic person with a sharp
tongue. You may not be the one always talking,
but your mind is nevertheless critizing. You
tend to have a cynical view on life itself and
be somewhat withdrawn with who you really are.
Society now is in your eyes corrupted and you
wonder how the world will survive. And people
are in your mind very ignorant and blind to the

What wise quote fits you?(pics) UPDATED
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you suck, and that's sad
you are the "you suck, and that's sad"
happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

In your eyes, people see shards of ice
everywhere... You are cold and distant, pushing
away people that love you and truely care for
you! You want to be able to reach out and love
them but... You can't for some reason... You're
just too.... You :P Underneath that cold
exterior lies a warm, happy soul that wants to
let loose and have fun! Your sanctuary would
probably be anywhere up high where you can look
down on life below you, like the roof of an
apartment building... Your eyes resemble a
saddened, crestfallen person seeking out
attention, but doesn't know how to handle it.
However, you do find comfort from your friends,
they're always there for you, and they know the
REAL you :) Even though you do seem rather
cold, you can be very protective over something
you truely believe in or love. Let go of that
"tough" rep and just be you! It's
impossible to live life without some fun and
love ^-^

What Lies Behind Your Eyes?
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Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: Slipped Away-Avril Lavigne

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April 24th, 2005

10:35 pm - !!!
NO SCHOOL TOMORROW! Meghan Hayward called me and told me that school is cancelled cuz the boilers won't start... that was the best news I've heard in a fuckin while... I was so happy after that.

On Saturday I drove around for 2 hours and picked up 9 applications for different places around here... I'm in the process of fillin them all out, so I can drop some off tomorrow, and maybe pick more up. Whatever it takes...
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Current Music: Blue-Eifffel 65

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April 17th, 2005

07:52 pm - Who Cares
Well, MEAPS sucked ass obviously... So I'm glad that shits over with. Umm... the weekend was fun, went to the carnival and movies. Today I had to outline the first 5 chapters of my economics book 4 punishment cuz our class is stupid... that took me like 7 hours, 12 sheets front and back. My hand is fuckin killin me now.

There is so much shit I wanna say, and need to say.. but I can't. Idk why I bother writin in here, its not like any1 pays attention.
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
Current Music: Miss You-Aaliyah

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April 2nd, 2005

08:37 pm - Spring Time
Winter is finally over... or is it? The weather was nice up until today, and we were actually supposed to get some light snow in the morning, which is sick. I'm glad winter is over cuz I'm getting sick of all the cold and gloomy weather. I can't believe Spring Break is almost over... I didn't do much, I did alot of sleepin and shoppin, the two things I'm best at. I gotta lil hamster 2 days ago.. and he is so cute. He's like the size of my thumb. So that's been keepin me busy.

I need to finish my math homework b4 school starts. I have some math, but I don't even remember what we were doing its been so long, lol. I'll prolly end up doin it 2night cuz I hate doing homework on Sundays. We have to write a stupid Chem paper.. the rough draft is due Fridaiy, and so far I have just printed some stuff about my topic.. I don't even care. I'm in A.P. English, so a lame Chem paper should be easy. Don't even get me started with A.P. I hate that class so much, and our teacher is so pissed off because hardly no1 is takin the A.P. test... and I'm not takin it either. I refuse to stress myself out taking a 4 hour test, and not 2 mention waste over 80 bucks, on something that I don't even feel prepared for.

School is such a pain in the ass... and it's not really school that's the problem... It's havin to go 2 bed early and wake up early. I'm not a mornin person at all... I wish we had the option to like sleep durin the day, and go 2 school at like 4 or 5, lol. That would be sweet. O well, we'll be graduatin in a little over a year from now... hell ya! I can't wait to get the hell outta that school. And all the construction makes it even more annoyin.

You are PUNK! U like being around those who are
really close to u. You get depressed most times
but you just wanna live!You have alot of
feelings and thoughts inside that you keep to
yourself! sometimes you dont know who to trust.
You have friends that believe in you and know the
real you, which means the most.
Thanks, please rate

Are you GOTHIC, PREP, PUNK,UNIQUE (girls only)
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Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: All That I've Got-The Used

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