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May 5th, 2005

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08:33 pm - U again...
For those of you who say I'm too much of a downer, I gotta bad attitude, and that I care to much about certain things, get the hell outta here cuz this entry I'm gonna say shit you don't wanna hear. So either deal with it, or go away.

Um... last night was the Spring Concert for band. I was really dreading it cuz I hate being there for 3+ hours, and I don't like the stress of playing in the concert. Anyway... I was practicin with Marissa for this part we had to play, and all of a sudden I see Kevin walk in the room... I thought, wtf, but I couldn't stop what I was doin cuz we needed to practice. I saw some kids who barely knew him run up and talk to a kid that hasn't shown his face to this school in months. Maybe I do hold grudges, and shit like that, but it's hard to forgive ppl that let you down time after time again. You can only let yourself get hurt so many times. I know certain ppl will always be Kevins devoted friend, some may say that's good, but I think it's pretty stupid. But w/e thats there lives. I just know I can't let myself get hooked into his life and bullshit again cuz it's happened way too many times already.

So as I was sitting on the stage while the choir was singing some depressing song, I looked far away to the bleachers and saw the friend that I had grown so far away from. He was sitting all by himself staring out at all the ppl he left behind... it was really sad... There have been so many times where I just wished I could forget about him... let all the memories fade away, throw away all the old notes and pictures, cards... so much shit that is my past. I have been filled with so much anger and spite and just wished that he would die. It's not that I really wanted him dead... but in my mind, it's easier to let someone go that is dead, then a person who is alive, and just slipping through your fingers. Alteast when someone passes away you know they're in a better place, but Kevin is somewhere in a fucked up world where he had the chance of becoming something great. Out of anyone in his family he had the opportunity to make something of himself, but he threw it all away. It really pisses me off that he could be so stupid, and he could let ppl change him.

Ya I know I sound like a cry baby whiner, but this shit really bothers me. This is the first time in my life that I lost some1 that I thought I knew so well... Durin the summer we used to talk on the phone for seriously 5 or 6 hours almost everynight... He was my best friend, my first kiss, and so much more. And that has all been ripped away, and it makes me so sad. Up until last night I thought that my wounds were beginning to heal and I was moving on with my life, but seeing him again just ripped all the scars open. It's hard enough to try to forget about some1 when there are hundreds of things that remind you of them...

Certain songs are what bother me most.. Today I listend to this song that I loved when me and Kevin were going out way back in 8th grade. It was by the Backstreet Boys, but it wasn't completely gay because it wasn't one of their popular songs that sounds like a bunch of girls... This song is actually pretty and stuff... I remember when we broke up I cried to that song for like a whole night... now I cry to it thinking of everything that has been erased outta my life. I only wish I could go back to crying over a breakup, knowing he would still be my friend.

I know whoever is reading this (if any1 even does) is prolly thinking... wtf, get over it. And you know what... if I was someone else reading this shit that some1 wrote, I would prolly be thinking the same exact thing... but you honestly woulnd't know what it feels like it unless it happened to you. And you better hope that it doesn't, cuz if it's some1 you really care about, it breaks your heart. Not just once, but a lil each day...
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: How Did I Fall In Love With You?-Backstreet Boys

(3 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:May 5th, 2005 07:30 pm (UTC)

Andrea im not feeling as tho u should get over it..im happy u wrote that bc ur finally being honest with yourself..and maybe that is a tiny step towards getting over him..maybe not..but still its more healthy to be honest with yourself and what u feel is so normal...just kno that u have friends taht are here for you (i kno i am)
Date:May 6th, 2005 05:07 am (UTC)

Thats deep

I know what you how you feel an stuff andrea, and I'm really sorry that all that happened. I wasn't that close to kevin so I never really got to see all the things between you 2, but i just want to say that i wish things went down differently... if you ever need someone to talk to, Steve and I are here obviously.
[User Picture]
Date:May 6th, 2005 12:35 pm (UTC)

Re: Thats deep

Thanx Steve and Rickie... I know I prolly get on all ur nerves 4 bitchin about it so much but I needed to get that off my chest. So thanx 4 puttin up with my shit and what not.

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