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March 20th, 2005

07:55 pm - Bored
When the sun came up
We were sleeping in
Sunk inside our blankets
Sprawled across the bed, and we
were dreaming

There are moments when
When I know it and
The world revolves around us
And we're keeping it
Keep it all going
This delicate balance
Vulnerable, all knowing
(Sing like you think no one's listening)

You would kill for this
Just a little bit
Just a little bit
You would kill for this
(Sing like you think no one's listening)

You would kill for this
Just a little bit
Just a little bit
You would

Sing me something soft
Sad and delicate
Or loud and out of key
Sing me anything

We're glad for what we've got
Done with what we've lost
Our whole lives laid out
Right in front of us
(Sing like you think no one's listening)

You would kill for this
Just a little bit
Just a little bit
You would, you would
(Sing like you think no one's listening)

You would kill for this
Just a little bit
Just a little bit
You would

Sing me something soft
Sad and delicate
Or loud and out of key
Sing me anything

Those are the lyrics of my fav song right now... I've been listenin to it all weekend cuz I love the piano in it, it's really pretty. Anyway, no1 updates their journal anymore, so do it! lol Not much is going on, except Steve told me that some1 got called into Jets for an interview, so I'm most likely not gonna get the job... Sweet! O well.
Current Mood: enviousenvious
Current Music: Existentialism on Prom Night-Straylight Run

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March 15th, 2005

09:35 pm - BACK OFF
Ugh I'm so pissed off. Every small aspect of my life is fuckin controlled by my parents. I can't even decide what to do with MY OWN spare time. So, now that I basically do nothing with my time, I'm always sitting on my lazy ass at home, either sleeping or doing other stupid shit. It's nearly impossible to find a job in this fucked up state that Granholm says "is the greatest state in the country!" Fuck that! Who is she kidding. Neway, so I told my parents I wanna volunteer for "Big Sister" or w/e, where you hang out with lil kids. And they said that I can't do it. My dad's like, "it's to late to do community service and volunteer work for college. People your age have been doin it for years, and you were to lazy then. Now you wanna do all this and colleges see that." Whatever! That's not even the reason I wanted to do it. I wanted something to do, that actually served a purpose and was actually good, instead of going 2 the fuckin mall everyday and wasting money. And they won't let me babysit because they won't let me go 2 other people's houses. I can't work at the Animal Shelter in Detroit because they don't want me going there. WTF, AM I 5?! Ok, there's a big world out there outside of Allen Park, and it's time 4 me 2 experience it. I think I can fucking handle it, considering I hate this city as it as, and I know how 2 deal with shit. They can't expect me 2 spend my whole life within this 5 mile radious. Over my dead body. Period.

I layed in bed for like 20 minutes last night just thinking of bad things, and how pissed I am at myself for certain things. I don't want Spring Break to even get here... I have nothing 2 look 4ward to whatsoever. Most of my friends are gonna be gone, or probably not talkin to me anyway. To top it off, I have 2 go 2 the doctor and be stared at like an animal. This fucking blows.
Current Mood: enragedenraged
Current Music: Scars-Papa Roach

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March 12th, 2005

10:30 pm - Umm
Hmm... Not much has been going on lately. Steve told me that Jet's fired a couple people, so I went on Sunday, got an application, and turned it in a couple hours later. I talked to the manager and she said "Actually, I just fired someone so I'm looking for someone. I'll probably be giving you a call real soon." I have yet to hear anything tho... It's like impossible to find a job right now, nobody is hiring anywhere. I was even considing volunteering at an animal shelter just for something to do, and 2 have something for volunteer work, but they didn't even want volunteers. Sweet! On the last halfday, I started watching this movie called "Welcome to the Dollhouse". It's so fuckin weird and somewhat depressing... it's about this girl that every1 treats like shit. I keep watching it... So far I've watched it like 5 times lol. I have no fuckin life. Yesterday I only got 2 see my friends for like 2 hours cuz Steve had to work til 9. And 2day I woke up at 1 in the afternoon, and Steve Rickie and Dave were helpin his gramma move in, so I didn't do anything today. Ahh yes life is pretty fun.
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
Current Music: Work-Jimmy Eat World

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February 19th, 2005

09:15 pm - A Reason for Goodbye
Sometimes I worry that I'm losing my mind. When I have nothing else to do or think about, my mind goes off and thinks about weird things that are kinda creepy. What if I snap one day and hurt someone? Or what if for some reason I hurt my parents? And I think that worrying that I'm losing my mind is actually causing me to do it... it's like a never ending cycle that I can't really break out of. But I just read some stuff, and that's a symptom of either OCD or anxiety... so atleast I'm not a complete physchopath bound for an insane asylum. I guess it's good that I'm not the only person that feels like this. I don't really have any1 to talk to about this kinda stuff, cuz my mom says that I'm fine, and Steve is the only other person I have to talk to.. and he thinks that I cause my own problems or something. Maybe that's true, but still, I can't really help it. Obviously, if I could, I would do something about it. I don't really enjoy feeling stressed out wondering if I'm losing my mind.

I notice that I have the most weird thoughts when I'm happy or in a good mood. Then I start thinking bad thoughts, and gettin anxiety. I think it's my own way of punishing myself when I'm actually enjoying myself. It's like I feel that I don't deserve to feel good. Maybe I'm such a bitch that I really don't deserve it.... ahhh. This is the only place I can say all this stuff, and that kinda sucks. When I try to talk to my mom, I get this scared guilty feeling, like how I would suspect I would feel if I was trying 2 tell her that I got pregnant or something.. and all I wanna tell her is that I wanna talk to someone. It's really weird how every1 thinks that I'm all tough and I'm a bitch and that I don't care about anything. Now my friends calls me "Dre" and say that I go around getting into bar fights and killin ppl and shit. Um... idk y ppl think I'm so tough, I've never really gotten into a fist fight or anything. I don't really try 2 get into arguments with ppl... if I go off on ppl they usually deserve it. Idk, I guess I try to have this persona that I'm strong and nothing phases me, but most of the time, it does. Like I try to tell myself that I'm over the whole Kevin thing, of him bailin and not wantin to be friends anymore. And last night, like other nights, I had a dream that I was spillin my guts to him, and crying, and hugging. YEAH GO DRE! I'm one tough ass mofo. I guess my dreams are the only place I'll get any damn closure over him. Cuz apparently, we might as well be in two different worlds. That's fine with me, cuz I don't wanna b where he is either.

I'm not gonna pretend like everything in my life is horrible cuz it's not. Today I had fun with Steve, and we went to like 20 different stores. He started dancing in my car to "Bootylicious" and made all the windows fog up and the car shake.. it was so funny.

O... and a lil warning. For those of you that like to throw my problems in my face to "get back at me" or w/e immature shit you like to do, you better watch out or I'll knock you straight on your ass. Have a great day!
Current Mood: worriedworried
Current Music: Over-Lindsay Lohan

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February 14th, 2005

08:14 pm - Fricken' Idiot!
Today was supposed to be my "job hunting" day. I really wanted to work at the vet clinic off of Southfield, but now the new age to work there is 18.. go figure. I called Tim Horton's yesterday, and they said they were looking for afternoon shifts.. from 3:30 to like 8, which is like perfect 4 me. So I went an got an application yesterday. I went there today to drop it off, and the manager is like "well, we aren't really looking for more people to work in the afternoon, we want ppl to work during the day." I was thinking WTF.. so that kinda pissed me off. Then I go to Big Boy's by Sears and get an application. The owner or w/e asks me what I'm interested in doing, and I hafta look like an idiot and say "idk" cuz how the hell am I suposed to know.. I have no experience in anything. After that, I go to Dunkin' Doughnuts by Kroger. I go in to get an application cuz they said to pick one up yesterday if I wanted to. I get up there, and this girl prolly not much older than me says they don't have any. So I write my name and number on a fricken napkin and leave. Well, as I'm backing out, I get to this point where I straighten my car and go forward. I see alot of snow, but it was one of those moments where you think, you just don't react, lol. So being a complete fuckin moron, I attempt to drive over the "snow" which turns out to be solid ice, and my damn car gets stuck. I tried reversing, then going forward, but my wheels barely even moved. I panicked, jumped outta the car, and attempted to get ridda the snow with my hands, lol. Amazingly, that didn't work! So I go back into the doughnut place and tell the girl what happened, and I asked for a shovel. So I go back out there, and get rid of all the snow I can underneath the car and around the tires. I thought it mighta helped a lil, but when I tried backing out, I still couldn't move. I tried shoveling some more, but I realized it wasn't going to do anything. I go back in, give the chick the shovel, and she says she'll call her boyfriend. So like 5 or 10 minutes later, this guy shows up and follows me out to the car. He looks at it, then trys to "rock it" to get it loose. That didn't work, and like 5 minutes later, he left, and told me 2 wait in the car while he goes to his friends house to get some chains. At that point, I tried calling my mom but the line was busy. I got ahold of Dave and talked to him some.. then I got ahold of Steve, and he said he'd go over there. I go back into Dunkin Doughnuts, and the chick tells this other worker that I'm stuck.. he doesn't seem to care. I go back outside and start kickin away snow, and the worker comes out like 10 min later smoking a cig, and looks at the car. He don't really say much, except he'll get me a shovel. He went in, and never came back out, helpful! After that, some other guy pulls up to me and asks if I want help.. he tries to get me out, but he can't either. I finally get ahold of my mom, and then Steve shows up. We try pushing the car, but it don't budge. Then outta nowhere, three other guys show up, and I put the car in reverse, and they all pushed me out. That was such a relief, lol. So, I ended up spending over an hour there, trying to get my car outta ice. I don't even know why I attempted to drive over it. I guess I'm just a complete idiot. I think my hands r frostbitten from the ice, and my legs are all bruised from hittin the car and slippin when I was kicken at the ice. Let's just say, after impressing them with my high intelligence, I'm guessing I won't get a job there.. ha
Current Mood: soresore
Current Music: Pieces-Sum 41

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February 12th, 2005

10:01 pm - Do I ever cross your mind anytime?
Last night I fell asleep around 12:30 and slept into like 12 noon. Damn I love sleep... Anywayz, I had a really strange dream. It was about my grandpa. He died when I was in 3rd grade, and I can still remember it like it was yesterday. It was the worst thing ever, and it might be why I deveoloped such a shitty outlook on everything. Back to my dream... I was in my grandparent's garage with my grandpa (which is ironic in a creepy way, but I don't wanna go into details), and someone else, maybe my dad. My grandpa was pointing to something on the ground and talking to me about something. And all of a sudden, it clicked in my mind that I was dreaming, and I just started crying. I kept thinking that it was just a dream, then I wondered if I was going to wake up. (Usually when I realize I'm dreaming I instantly wake-up) I didn't wake up right away, but I don't remember anything beyond that. I think it was a lucid dream... which is when you know that your dreaming and you can basically do whatever you want cuz you can control your dreams. That's never happend to me before, so it's pretty weird. I haven't dreamt about him in a really long time... I actually like dreaming about him cuz in a way I get to see him again.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Dreaming of You-Selena

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February 11th, 2005

11:49 pm - Ahh yes
Ugh... I feel like shit right now. I haven't been to the gym in a week, and I've been eating tons of shit all week. I hate feeling like a nasty ass slob. Ok.. I don't like to whine, but here I go. So if you gotta problem with that, then exit out now. It's hard to motivate yourself to exercise and eat right when you feel like shit emotionally and just wanna lay around and sleep all day. I've been feeling kinda depressed the last few weeks, and after I put up with stupid ass people all day in school, I just wanna come home and relax... not go workout when I already have no energy. Is that so much to ask for? Why do I have to put up with so much more shit than alot of people do? I hate my classes, half of them I have no1 to talk to. The rest are boring and stupid. And my once favorite teacher has been replaced by Mr. Mantis, which blows ass. He's so annoying. Valentine's day is almost here, and it kinda sucks. I don't care that much, but it woulda been nice for just once to have a boyfriend or atleast something. But yeah... I don't think I'm allowed to get what I want or something. I told my mom last night that I think I need therapy or something, and she was like "shh.... no you don't" I felt so helpless I wanted to cry. Wtf am I supposed to do when I don't even wanna wake up in the morning? I have like no1 to talk to, I just keep thinking about this shit 2 myself over and over. I need some1 to talk to that isn't bias... but according to my mom, I'm perfectly normal! LOL... And they all bitch about me being mean and having a "black heart". Maybe if I got some fucking help I would be better... But no.. lets make me suffer, which also makes me treat them worse. That makes more sense. This is fuckin retarded. I can't really think of anything that I look forward to anymore. Everything either pisses me off, and the stuff that I actually do enjoy is wrong. I just wish I could move and start over. I need to fuckin get away from AP and all the assholes that make up the school. People are so fuckin stupid its ridiculous. O.. I'll leave you with this.

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
Current Music: Save Me-Unwritten Law

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February 1st, 2005

08:09 pm - Go figure...

You Are a Retrospective Soul

The most misunderstood of all the soul signs.
Sometimes you even have difficulty seeing yourself as who you are.
You are intense and desire perfection in every facet of your life.
You're best described as extremely idealistic, hardworking, and a survivor.

Great moments of insight and sensitivity come to you easily.
But if you aren't careful, you'll ignore these moments and repeat past mistakes.
For you, it is difficult to seperate the past from the present.
You will suceed once you overcome the disappoinments in life.

Souls you are most compatible with: Traveler Soul and Prophet Soul

Current Mood: satisfiedsatisfied
Current Music: Candy Shop-50 Cent

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January 30th, 2005

05:20 pm - Half Over...
Midterms are finally over, and I think I did pretty good. I hope I have classes and lunch with my friends or I'll be pissed. I've been going to the rec center with my friends alot lately... it helps feeling exhausted a little more fun. I hung out with Steve, Dave, and Sara over the weekend, and we saw Hide and Seek. It was aight, but not what I expected. It felt good to have absolutely no homework this weekend. I'm kinda bummed out about Valentine's, cuz yet again I have no1. And I'm guessing I won't go to prom or nothing, sweet. O well...

How Your Attitude Ranks

Your Attitude is Better than 15% of the Population

If you scored...

80-100: You've got a winner attitude. You're always optimistic and cheery. Your personality will get you far in life.

60-79: You have a good attitude. While a realist, you do see the positive side of most things. People love to be around you.

40 - 59: You have a positive attitude... somtimes. You prefer to see the world through clear glasses, not rose colored ones.

20 - 39: You have an average attitude. You take the good and bad in life as they come. Though sometimes you could use a little more good.

0-19: You have a negative attitude. You tend to see the dark side of every situation. Free ice cream? No thanks, it will just make you fat!

Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: Some Cut-Trillville

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January 23rd, 2005

06:24 pm - Happy Birthday to Me... I guess

A is for Artistic
N is for Naive
D is for Darling
R is for Relaxing
E is for Easy
A is for Artistic

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