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August 15th, 2005

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01:13 am - it's been awhile
I got back from my vacation today... and part of me still wishes I was there, but idk, its good to be back i guess? I'll start from the beginning... I went up north with my family the Friday before the 4th of July... My parents and bro stayed with me, my aunt and my g-ma for a week, then they left. I stayed with my aunt and g-ma for about a month. It was nice because I had more freedom and could do what I wanted. I helped my aunt do housework and got paid 100 dollars, which was nice. I had to work on my AP bio work, which was torture. I had to do a few chapters of vocab, book work, and packets... and I still have a couple chapters left.. and I still have a whole book 2 read for AP lit.. shit what did i get myself into? So after my parents came back up, we went to the beach, a ranch, horse back riding, Macinac Island, and para-sailing 600 feet in the air, lol. It's the most fun I've had in a long time... and I was really sad to leave. It's so beautiful and peaceful up there. It's nice to be back in my house, but I felt at home up north. Maybe I'll move there when I'm older, who knows.. I sent my ACT results to a college in Traverse City, which is up north. And i got an email saying they were interested in my ACT results, and said that they offered the classes that I was interested in... I'm gonna try to get into U of M Dearborn first tho. While my parents were gone I spent alot of nights thinking about stuff, and I got some pretty strange flash backs from when I was a kid. It was cool 2 remember stuff that I hadn't thought about in years.. A few nights I drank some stuff and kinda opened up 2 my aunt, cuz she's basically the only person in my family that I can somewhat relate to and talk to... no1 else takes me seriously. It's hard for me to talk to people unless I'm a lil buzzed because I'm afraid to say what I really wanna say. But when I drink, I don't care. It's basically a way to get things off my chest, because I can't do it in everyday life. I don't remember alot of what I said, but I remember talking about my grandpa and saying I missed him, and I think she started crying, and I felt bad... Idk, whenever I drink I get pretty emotional... Sometimes I cry, other times I can't stop laughing my ass off. Idk, I need 2 get my shit 2gether. Sometimes I just feel like I'm trapped inbetween being the person I need to be, and being the person people think I am. All I know is that over the years I formed a hard shell to keep my feelings inside, and people outside. I can't even pin point when it happened, but I'm pretty sure it's around the time my grandpa died. It's really weird, because at the time it happend, I dealt with it for a month or 2, and tried to push it outta my mind. I guess I never really got over it, so I keep dealing with it now. It's really hard sometimes... Like every1 else on this planet I just wish I could go back in time for just 5 minutes and say everyting that I never got the chance to say or do. Idk, maybe I'll get the chance in my dreams someday.
Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
Current Music: Perfect Girl-Sara McLachlin

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